As annoying as IEPs (individualized education plans for special education students) are to write, I really like writing them. It is nice, when I have the time to write them, that I can take the time to really think about my students’ strengths and areas of need, make appropriate goals for them, and really affect how their year will end up with me and other teachers. I also generally like writing, so this is not a surprise to me. It’s also very nice to see the whole team come together- family, clinicians, teachers, and the rest. It’s like one big united front that doesn’t happen as often as it should.

It is still a shame, though, that I have to write this IEP right now…

Got the summer school gig- phew, as I need the income! Summer school will not be fun, but eh. Plus, school confirmed today that I’ll be one of the two primary special ed teachers at my school next year! Right now, as one of the special ed teachers put it today, I an a band-aid for all the students who didn’t get support this year- glad not to be K-8 again next year! Super excited! :-)

I was working late at school today, thinking that no other teachers ever stay here as late as I do and feeling sad about it. Then the after-school program asked me to come out and support some student presentations on high schools- found that a ton of teachers were still here. We’re all in it together.

Still here, by the way- there’s probably no one at my school right now beside the custodians. Yayy.

Me, on missing some supposedly key life experiences:

Teacher 1- I can’t believe that second grader asked you to tie her shoes!

Teacher 2- Yeah, she’s a second grader- she should know now!

Me- Well, I actually didn’t learn how to tie my shoes till 6th grade- true story.

Teacher 2- I can’t believe you just told us that!

(Everyone in the room laughs, including me.)

Teacher 1- How did you go through 6th grade not learning how to tie your shoes?

Teacher 2- Yeah, did you use velcro then?

Me- Yeah, I used velcro. My mom was busy and didn’t want to take the time to teach me how to tie my shoes, so she thought it would be easier to use velcro. I just never learned to tie my own shoes because I never had shoes to tie.

Teacher 1- Well that makes sense actually. (everyone nods)

—-

Moral of my story- unsure if there is one, but basically I try not to assume that my kids have had the opportunity to do things. For example, I still don’t know how to ride a bicycle, and I only 2 months ago got my drivers license. Realities of urban living make it so that a lot of our students have not experienced a lot of things, even to this day. There are many other things we experienced- don’t belittle our experiences. Another thing I realize- sometimes it takes a comment from someone you respect or least expect a comment from to begin thinking about things in a different way. Not that I know very many things, and not that you know very many things, but we can all make a difference with our experiences and our life stories, just as our students can.

Like slow-spinning redemption.

This week has been a whirlwind. Tomorrow will be the last day as a special ed classroom assistant at my school, my last day in my break from teaching, my building of strength period, my recharge. I feel strong, ready to be a better teacher than i was last year, one who’s experienced, properly trained, certified and with degrees in hand to put into practice, a far cry from how I began teaching. (Feel free to ask me my thoughts and opinions about Teach For America and my one year with the program. I have mixed thoughts still that I am continuing to build, especially its role in special education.)

I’m ready, yet I also have to look back at everyone who’s helped me this year. I’m so thankful. I have goodies for the kids who made me laugh, believed in me and my knowledge, and who reminded me of my love of youth, of their energy and optimism. I hope the teachers know how much they’ve helped me grow, those who are true public servants, the people who, however imperfect, helped me understand and build on my strengths- and my flaws. I will be forever thankful for the chance to rest and grow in the way I needed to while being an assistant this year- I was lucky for the chance and for the opportunity. I don’t think anyone at my current position will understand how grateful I am.

I made a lot of mistakes last year, many that could have been prevented with proper foresight and planning, but you grow the most from failure, from mistakes, and you just have to forgive. I’ve also been blessed with the best friends and loved ones in the world- thank you for listening, for helping me understand how to move forward. This year has definitely been a hard one, and I’m blessed that I am still on my path to my dream of being the best teacher I can be. This was not the way I envisioned this, but I am and will be a far better teacher after having faced the humility and imperfection that is being human, of making mistakes, of learning from others, even if they seem opposed to you at the time, of reflecting and figuring life out.

At the end of the day, I have to remember that everyone, even me, deserves a chance at redemption, and, as I learned last week when I was hired at my new school, people are always willing to take a chance on you. My principals that have hired me have been those people for me, and I will be that person for my students come Monday and beyond. For now, and one of the biggest lessons of all of this, I realize the importance of the people in your life, the ones who get you by while you can’t get yourself by. It’s a people business, this life we live. And we all deserve to be happy.

Rest of the year- to stay a para or to go long-term sub?

Alright, education Tumblrs, help me out. I was given a day off today, so I decided to go to the elementary schools that had special ed teaching openings and drop off my resume and business card. A principal was free during report card pickup, excited, and toured me around the self-contained and primary classrooms in the school; he asked me to interview for an open long-term substitute position in a low-incidence classroom. The principal wasn’t sure about next year yet, but the position could likely turn into a full-time one next year and which I could possibly take on for next year. I told him I’d have to think about it, but I’d call soon. So now I have to decide whether I want to interview for it slash if I want the job in the first place.

Ahh, on one hand this would be a great opportunity to work with a student population I’ve never worked with and expand my skill set. I’ve wanted more experience with low-incidence populations before, i.e. cognitive delays, autistic, Down, etc. On the other hand I’m not sure if I’m ready yet- I don’t really have experience with low incidence students, and what if I’m terrible? What if I’m not the right fit? Is it one of those things that comes with time, or am I just making an excuse for not even interviewing for this spot?

Also, I originally wanted to apply for jobs for next year and for a classroom of students with learning disabilities or emotional/behavioral disabilities- that’s where I’m strongest/have the most experience in. Taking this interview and possibly getting the position would mean leaving my current position as a paraprofessional for a special needs student. I wanted to finish out the year at my school, but now I’m confused. 

Decisions, decisions.

*edit* to jbizzle’s point, I am fully certified to teach special ed and also to substitute. So that’s no issue.

Ten reflections on being a teacher.

Doing the teacher job search, filling out resumes, essays, etc. forces one to get very introspective. From everything I say, I realize I will be fine for the interviews (and am really looking forward to them, in fact!) but I have to make sure everything I hand in to get to the interviews are flawless. I’m pretty VERY insecure about next year: there’s so much to do! I’ll be looking for a new position as a special education teacher yet again, moving to a new place somewhere in Chicago alone, meeting people, making friends and settling here for another few years while I gain teaching experience. But I do feel that I made the right decision in not giving up- teaching is definitely, definitely what I want to be doing. I am super happy with being with kids every day and guiding them to their lives. I feel like being a paraprofessional this year, being with students while taking a year off teaching really helped me hone in on what I needed to work on. I’ve been learning (slowly) to forgive myself and others for past transgressions and making steps to move forward the best ways I can. I’m working on reflecting on what I did and didn’t do, and on reflecting regularly. And here are some of those reflections.

First, every teacher needs a clear vision or purpose behind their own teaching. I needed to regain the sense of purpose I had when I was first teaching, when I was six and wanted to be a teacher, when I was going through student teaching in college, my mission before the whole whirlwind of teaching took over and when I didn’t give myself the time to rest or reflect on what I was doing. That purpose is, simply, being able to guide students to the content, skills, and character they will need to critically think, problem-solve in the world, and build a love of learning that curates lifelong learning. I need them to think about others, know what wellness looks like (large problem of last year was that I hadn’t had a full conception of self-care), know what passion looks like, to build their interests and learn to work with others. The character piece is important- they need to do this with the well-being of themselves and others in mind, and they need to be able to see the world through others’ perspectives. 

Second, I know now, after working with teachers who have taught for a while, that they don’t have all of the answers, and neither should I, or expect to. Teachers cry, lose their voices, get sick, have sick children themselves and will have to run out of the classroom, don’t always know what to do in situations. But good teachers always use their level ground and understanding of their purpose in education to guide them through the day-to-day, week-to-week. I have to continually ground myself with my purpose in order for me to stand my ground, plan well, move forward. I learned this lesson last year finally when I started failing- I held myself up too high, had low confidence in my ability to get back up, and I continued to spiral down at some point in time. Then I decided to ask questions, to accept my mistakes as a teacher, ask other people for help, and just accept that I’ll never be a perfect teacher. I’ll always become better with years and experience, but I can’t if I refuse to accept that I don’t have all the answers.

Third, I need to treat students as well as I would want to be treated. They need to feel they are heard, like their experiences and opinions matter, that their backgrounds and experiences have value, that they can do things and achieve big things, that they can trust adults and students, that they get a conscious, living, safe classroom environment to share their opinions, that the content matters, that they get to build curriculum with me, that they’re not being force-fed information, that they get breaks when they need them! I think we as teachers sometimes forget that in the daily trials, that they are human, too. But I also need to hold my students to high expectations, to stand the line between what is okay and what is not, to dole out loving and logical consequences, and I need the students to know I love them and cherish them as my own, that my life does not come before theirs. This is the only way my students will give me the respect I need to teach them, and this is the basis for a good teaching relationship. We need to be able to trust and communicate with one another in the largest way possible.

Fourth, I shouldn’t be afraid of behavior/discipline systems, because a good whole-group and individual system should work if implemented from the first day, followed through, and meaningful to students, most of the time, anyway. Students respond as long as they trust in the system and actually see it working for them- or not working. Working positively works best, as that’s how kids—and you, yourself—want to be treated, after all. And, if you’ve tried and it just doesn’t work, and you call parents, go to principal, use all the behavior reinforcement things you learned in your education theory classes, ask everyone in your school to implement, and it’s iffy, you can’t take it as a personal failure. If it doesn’t work, you can’t be scared of kids not listening to you- you just have to push on and do what is in your power to make them invested. Something like that. I still feel insecure about building a good behavior management system that is meaningful but is not just bribing students to be great; I want to build a system that makes them work their hardest. I also know this depends on the students you have and the situations they go through- sometimes you can’t anticipate that something happened at home like your mother getting shot (this happened to one of my students), that a kid is not on his medications, that a student is going to wail on you because he was triggered by a student comment and he doesn’t like a word, that a student with autism heard surprise fire drill alarms or an idiom like “we’re all ears” and started crying because he didn’t know what it meant. While I am confused, I know, too, that I’ll know more about behavior systems over time. I’ve had two years and feel better about it now, but still have lots to learn!

Fifth- kids want to work their hardest- you have to expect that every day and make it possible. Cheer their successes, find what really can catch them, how to make content accessible, modify content the right ways so it’s challenging, make them feel good about learning. I find I am awesome at getting kids to open up and being themselves- they just have to be actually interested in sharing. (I just read a Tumblr post about how one form of differentiation for students is allowing them to choose the form of assessment, such as an essay topic- students will do better if they are interested in and are excited to learn about a topic. Isn’t that what we’re driving for, after all, a love of learning?)

Sixth- Pique curiosity, and keep having the kids ask questions. We want the kids to have a love of learning and be lifelong learners, don’t we? That’s the only way they’ll not only survive in life, but thrive. 

Seventh- Teach students that it’s okay to make mistakes. We are not perfect and will never be perfect, but we can work hard and build on our mistakes to become better at skills, knowledge, and character. This again goes to the lifelong learners piece- students are going to need to learn how to pick themselves up from mistakes and build themselves up. I’ve seen in my math classroom- before the class just did the work, checked over the answers, and then took the test, to mixed results. Now the teacher actually asks the class if they have questions, which problems they had trouble with, and asks students to help one another- this has been teaching children to embrace making mistakes and to go over the process of getting the concepts. Students have to build their resilience to failure and not knowing things in order to move forward- they also need to learn how they learn best, as with many of my special education students who can get stuck in learned helplessness.

Eighth- Teaching is 80% planning, 20% actually being in the classroom and taking care of issues. I continually need to make sure I have a plan in place so I am always ready for the kids. This was hard last year during the first year of teaching, and I can only expect to get better with experience. But it seems, and is continually true, that things are so much easier in the classroom when you have a plan in place.

Ninth- a lot of teaching isn’t actual teaching at all, but planning, paperwork, meetings, reading, writing, material creation- things you didn’t envision having to do when you had big dreams of being a teacher. This was frustrating to know in the beginning, because since I was six I just wanted to be in front of my students and be able to teach them everything in the world. But you need to do those things to do the profession, so just do them. Sometimes I fight it and ask why I need to do something, and sometimes I just don’t fight it at all- it’s not worth it.

And tenth- I need to celebrate the small and big successes of my students. Things have definitely progressed through the year- I see more social, emotional, academic growth in not only my students but many of the other students I assist for. I have to be able to celebrate these successes daily, weekly, monthly, yearly so they know they’re making progress and so I know I’m making progress. Teaching can really knock you down, with all the paperwork, planning, writing, and lots of things not related to actually being in front of the kids. But you’re there not for the slow, sleepy, angry, infuriating parts of being a teacher, but for the happy, resilient, human students that are in front of you every day.

A typical student interaction in the hall-

Me, to two boys walking in the hall- Hey! Never use the word “mofo” in this building. Do you know how that sounds to the kindergartners in the building?

Boy 1- Well, we could say that it’s a Chinese word.

Boy 2- Yeah! It sounds Chinese!

Me- Well, I’m Chinese, and I can guarantee that “mofo” is not a word in Chinese.

Boy 2- You’re Chinese? What’s a Chinese word?

Me- Go to class. Don’t use that word again. (walk away)

*in retrospect “mofo” could be a Mandarin word, but my sixth graders don’t need to know that.*

I’ve been unfocused in this Chicago special education teacher job search thing. I’ve been being with friends, cleaning house, looking at Chicago studios/apartments for July, getting my drivers license- basically things that are not the job search, ta-ha. I think I needed a break after finishing my masters classes and my masters in general, so now is not time to beat myself up…now it is time to get into the game! What to do in the next few days:

  • Finishing up the Chicago Public Schools essays on the application (namely, give an example where you differentiated, and name a challenge where you were not successful at another school and what you would do differently)
  • Reminding references to finish their letters for me (I have a gen. ed teacher, special ed teacher, and a co-teacher from last year…wondering if I should diversify)
  • Finding some elementary schools where I would like to teach special education. I would like to stay in elementary special education, working with LD and EBD kids as I have experience in that.

Any tips for finding a job, #education #tumblr teachers? Basically, I taught special education last year, and this year I am a special education classroom assistant (SECA) at a Chicago public school. I feel really good about differentiation and modifying now, and much better about co-teaching. Last time I looked for a teaching spot I was hired on the spot, so I really didn’t have to go through the application process. I am nervous! Thanks!

SpecialEdPost » Blog Archive » Learning Disabled and Employed: How it’s Done

Nice article on how one person with a learning disability works with his disability in real life. I often wonder how to prepare my special education students for life…given my students’ levels and goals, do I create goals based on the general education objectives, or should I be teaching life skills, or can I do both, and well? Can I teach both well? As a new elementary special ed person I am often conflicted as to what to cover…it seems like every special educator I know goes through it, to.

Learning to drive on.

Tomorrow, finally, I am going to take my road test. Yes, twentysomething with no drivers license- I feel like I’m in delayed adulthood here in Chicago. But as a native New Yorker, there was no reason for me to get my drivers license before. And now, now I finally am reaching this so-called milestone for myself. Just took a lesson this morning and am feeling good about tomorrow- YES.

I remember when I was learning how to swim (another thing I have not been able to do before college, really, along with riding a bicycle). I was scared to death that I would swim wrong, that I wouldn’t float, that I wasn’t stroking right, and I basically sabotaged myself. I was begrudging myself for never having the opportunity to swim, for being slower than the rest of the class, for constantly being at the shallow end when everyone else was at the deep end. At the end I swam okay, but today, I wouldn’t know if I would survive on the water if I were dunked into water. I can chill at the beach, but the pool still frightens me.

For driving, I was pretty much the same way- at first. I was mad, I was confused, I was scared, I was, above all, nervous. I was scared that I would kill someone. I didn’t want to do it, but I knew that eventually I would need to learn this skill- opportunities were and would be cut short because I couldn’t drive, and this was the time to learn. At first I started in a parking lot- the first day I felt really good as I drove on the main roads by the end. I felt like I conquered the road. Then, when things needed to be more technically sound, I was messing up- turning too quickly or too slowly, not signalling, not noticing the stop signs and not stopping when I needed to, crossing the white line, not looking at the mirrors when switching lanes, reversing when I needed to be driving (forgetting to change the setting, that is). And then I wasn’t ready for the road test- I finally got a lot of things down but felt like a failure when all those things weren’t coming together.

I realize now that learning how to drive, like learning how to swim, or learning any other skill in life, requires two things: mastery of the skill as well as an understanding of how to apply the skill. It’s not enough to master the skill if you don’t know how to apply the skill to the everyday. If I were dunked into water today, I could probably tread or float on my back just fine and stay there until someone threw me a float or a raft. For driving, it’s a lot more complicated as there are rules, good and bad drivers everywhere, people wanting to switch into your lanes, etc. I know now that all that comes with time. Being able to apply what you know and knowing what to do comes with the experience of knowing and selecting what’s important on the road- looking forward when you’re driving straight versus looking to your sides, looking to the right when you’re making the right turns, how fast or slow you should move your wheel based on the speed of your car, how big or small your car is, whether there are other cars around, what’s coming up, what signs are in front of you, where the lines are. And while now I am awesome at all the technical aspects of driving, I now need to focus on applying my new skills to driving. I get nervous not knowing what will come up in the road. As with everything in life, I have to learn to center myself, focus, and stay as much in control as I can so when something unexpected happens I am ready for it.

Hopefully I pass tomorrow. If not, I’ll have another chance later. I have to convince my students of this- it’s not the end of the world if you don’t get something now- there will be chances later, and mastery comes with time, experience, and application. With standardized testing and the breadth of curriculum we teach this gets extremely hard, to be able to go back to a topic when we’re supposed to be doing something else. But just as my instructor has been helping me focus on technical skills and application, I have to make sure my students are exposed enough and have enough chances to demonstrate their understanding before I try to move forward. That’s when they’ll respect my plan as a teacher for them and when they will do their best. I’m thinking of my kids with learned helplessness especially- if they never think they can do it on their own, and if they constantly blame themselves, their environment, other people who have had more experience, then they’ll never break out of their cycle. We strive to be lifelong learners, not perfect people off the bat —that’s impossible— and that’s what I must stress to my students.

Falling into place.

I’m 3 days from being done with my Masters in teaching special education, and I have to say- I am EXCITED (!!!), yet I am so scared. I keep worrying about the uncertainty of everything, and trying to accept that life is just uncertain and scary and I’ll never fully understand it. I also keep thinking about how I’ve come from a terrible first year teaching and nowhere being ready for the life hurdles, falling and nearly leaving the teaching profession altogether, to deciding on being a paraprofessional this year and building myself back up to teaching well and with purpose. I’ve been learning (slowly) to forgive myself and others for past transgressions, reflecting regularly, and making steps to move forward the best ways I can.

I realize it’s a lot easier to be a teacher when the other elements of your life are more grounded. Teachers have to be well, too, in order to deal with all the craziness in life. I didn’t know myself very well last year, and it’s scary (ahh!) to see how far I’ve come in two years. The years have gone by fast. I stood, thinking my career path would be an upward one, not a roller coaster. I’ve seen myself at the top, at the bottom, in the middle somewhere, mediocrity at points, and I am still learning. I am on much more solid ground than last year, that’s for certain.

Ahhh, next year! I’m pretty VERY insecure about next year: there’s so much to do! I’ll be looking for a new position as a special education teacher yet again, moving to a new place somewhere in Chicago alone, meeting people, making friends and settling here for another few years while I work in (hopefully) a new school, with new teachers, and gain teaching experience. IT’S SCARY AS ALL HELL. But I feel I made the right decision- teaching is definitely, definitely what I want to be doing. I am super happy with being with kids every day and guiding them to their lives. I feel like being a paraprofessional this year really helped me hone in on what I needed to work on. Ahh, what a winding road.

To getting here without ever knowing I’d take this path, to failure and all it can teach us, to the celebration of big and little things, and to being happy with job and life.

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